puzzles.

i've never seen so many puzzles in my life. completed ones adorning the hallways. unfinished ones covering the coffee tables. images of houses. and scenery. and animals. and television stars. and i've never really been an avid puzzle person. just not that spacially gifted, i guess. but there are many of the elders at the senior center who are devout puzzle constructors. crowding around the puzzle table day after day until every piece is in its place. and the whole puzzle is taken upstairs to be glued together. and the fragments of a new picture are scattered about for the next challenge.

and as my eyes pass by these puzzles. day after day. sometimes i grow slightly envious of the pieces. and how they've all found their place. and how they're all dwelling where they fit. in union with all the others. apart of something greater than themselves. contributing to something that is whole. and beautiful. each part a little different than the next. yet significant to the community. each community incomplete if one of its pieces is missing.

and i'm envious because i don't know where my piece fits. or if it ever will. or if its even meant to be glued down. and sometimes i wonder if i'm looking at it backwards or upside down. blind to its beauty. confused of its true form.

and then part of me morns for the puzzle pieces. when they get glued down. and stuck. like that's it. no more wandering about. it seems kind of boring being in the same place all the time. surrounded by all the same pieces.

so i can't decide if each puzzle piece finding its place is beautiful. or tragic.

and conversely, i can't understand if each puzzle place not knowing its place is tragic. or beautiful.

and i yearn to have a place. where i am harmoniously contributing towards something whole. yet part of me also knows i can't just be glued down. there's too many other puzzles to see.

so this puzzle piece will continue her wandering. and wondering. uncertain if she will discover her place to fit. or if fitting in is really the point.

or if there's a puzzle out there that exists for all the pieces that can't seem to figure out where they're supposed to go.

the place i've felt most in my element these days has been making peanut butter cookies and sledding with geneva. an eleven year old girl i've started to mentor. spending time together seems to give us both a sense of belonging. a place to fit.

and geneva makes me think of azaria. my eleven year old, craft loving, baking expert that i dearly miss from those moments in grenada. those moments in grenada. where so many days i questioned my purpose. and so many days, i seemed to fit.

so perhaps all i can do in this moment is apply those grenada lessons forward. and live one day at a time. not worrying so much about fitting in. or not fitting in. but just being who i am. and embracing freedom. and continuing this journey towards something that is whole. and finding solidarity with those other pieces that might not quite fit either.